I Don't Always Watch TV, But When I Do . . .

. . . it's typically cartoons, music videos, cooking shows, or Deadliest Warrior. For those if you who aren't super familiar with the latter, the show pits two of history's greatest fighters against one another to see "Who Is Deadliest?" This is done by testing various weapons from each fighter, and then inputting that data into a "battle simulator designed by Slitherine Studios," which then conducts one thousand battles.

The man who enters said data into the computer is Max Geiger, introduced at the offset of every episode as "computer whiz, Max Geiger." Recently the third season was revealed to be in production, alongside the shocking news that Max would not be returning.

As a loyal fan of the show, I am both saddened and dismayed. Computer whiz Max Geiger was, to me, the lifeblood of the show. His sideline comments were not often useful and were more for comic relief, but he held in his fingertips the ability to turn interval-scaled statistical information into living, breathing fighters. Gaze at the first two seconds of the clip below and behold as numbers metamorphose, matrix-style, into fierce combatants.



In my mind there is no one else who can replace Max Geiger. Apparently there's some ex-Navy Seal or something who's going to be the new expert on fighting techniques, but can he use the computer? Can he type the jumble of keys necessary to prepare the battle, before pressing the one essential to its beginning? There is no other man alive capable of taking over this job.

Here Max Geiger shows us what he thinks of a weapons test.

Max Geiger, computer whiz, genius, expert, you were with us for too short a time. I look forward to this next season not with anticipation, but with a deep sense of loss and disappointment. I can only hope that somewhere out there you are typing keys, and doing what you do best: bringing dreams to life.

Deadliest Warrior, etc. is the property of Spike TV. You should watch Spike TV if you are a man and like stuff that men like.