Thursday, July 29, 2010

A Letter

Dear Sir/Madam,

It has come to my attention that you are one such individual who enjoys indulging in the mastication of an artificially sweetened preparation known more colloquially as "chewing gum."

Big words aside, I'm hear to talk to you a little bit about your habit, and why it's really started to get on my nerves as of late. Allow me to begin by drawing a family tree and placing you in the same branch as smokers. For a quick second dwell on the fact that on this hypothetical arboreal construct you are rubbing elbows with a group whose habit is such that they deserve their own section in restaurants. Now we move on.

As many of you may have noticed, smokers care little for their general surroundings. For some far-fetched reason that continues to elude me many have come to the conclusion that if there is no ashtray in the vicinity, the logical choice would be to throw used butt on the ground before extinguishing it with a well-practiced turning of the foot. This individual has probably probably finds this somehow satisfying, and it is thereby a form of positive reinforcement to dirtying the environment. This action leads to most waiting areas (bus stops being an obvious example) bearing a liberal dusting of cigarette butts, a trait that has, over time, even become characteristic of such areas.

At this point I would like to apologize, as I did mention in the first sentence of the second paragraph that big words were, to an extent, to be laid off to the side for the time being. There are times when irritation leads to a building up of my diction as opposed to a breaking down, and I ask that you bear with me.

The point that I made in the paragraph before last is that smokers, to put it simply, are a dirty people. However, it is to be noticed that at these same rest stops where cigarette butts litter the ground there are often, accompanying them, a healthy number of dark spots on the sidewalk. It was sometime last month when, to my disgust, I realized that aforementioned dark spots were actually wads of chewing gum, spat on the ground and turned black by dirt and the (unlucky) soles of passers-by.

Please explain to me, good sir/madam why this is. What possesses a person to take the wad of sweetened chicle from their mouth and simply leave it upon the ground for other to trod upon? I am aghast at the thought that it never occurs to you that this may make the ground appear, to be blunt, filthy. Dark spots do not appear to be a beautifying characteristic in almost anything anywhere. Dalmatians are clearly the exception.

I would like to conclude this brief letter by imploring you to rethink your choices. Not the choice to chew gum, since as vices go it is quite tame compared to partaking in heroin, methaphetamine hydrochloride, or the groundless licking of amphibians to obtain a state of altered consciousness. No, the choice I beg you to consider is some sort of alternative to tossing your exhausted inedible on the ground. Please consider the surroundings and soles of those around you. In short words: Be Considerate.

Thank you for taking time away from your busy days to glance through this note, and I dearly hope that you take something away from this, and that that something is a staunch decision to from here on end always dispose of chewing gum in a polite and sanitary manner.

Yours Sincerely,

-Evan Yeong


  1. I don't often get to chance to use big words and do this sort of thing. That being said, it was pretty fun.

    I almost didn't write this due to my wanting to play StarCraft II for ever second of every minute of every hour after I get home from work. My commitment to this blog is the only thing that kept me from burying my face in the Koprulu Sector as soon as dinner was finished.

  2. That last bit where it said "ever"? That should have said "every."

    I checked to make sure "Koprulu" was spelled correctly, but I couldn't bother making sure there was a "y" after "ever" . . .

  3. "smokers are dirty people"
    generalization. tisk tisk.

  4. Generalization for the sake of humour?

  5. I stepped in chewing gum. It was nasty.


Write stuff down there if you have something to say.